Jailbreak
by iDisco
Summary: Liz is a prisoner since 6 months without hearing from Red until he shows up behind bars as well. Set in the near future. Lizzington.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm sorry, I know I have 2 other fics but I can't manage to finish another chapter because of this fic here.**

 **But I hope you like it. If not, feel free to tell me. :)  
**

 **I own nothing!**

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It had been a year since she murdered Tom Connolly, a year in which she was on the run with number four on the Most Wanted list. A life as a fugitive wasn't fun at all. The first few months were the hardest, she grieved for the life she had lost, she cried at night because she felt incredibly lonely although she knew she wasn't - She had had him and he had her. But what she learned from this whole messed up situation was that humans were perfectly adaptable. Red thought of himself as a monster because he did horrible things and this was absolutely true but everything he did, he did for a reason. He wasn't a monster, he was just trying to survive and so was she.

They grew closer during the time since avoiding each other 24 hours a day had been rather difficult. He was a passionate reader whereas she loved watching a movie or tv show every now and then. They settled into a daily routine. Red prepared breakfast while she went for a run, she got used to his business and was involved in almost all his meetings. Sometimes he stayed away at nights when they usually played chess and she knew that he was with another women. He asked her if she had a problem with it. What kind of answer did he expect? Of course she said "No" but it was a lie. As much as she tried to think of something else, she just couldn't. Her heart ached when he closed the front door behind him and went to his "appointment" as he called it. Deep inside she knew why she was jealous but it was too soon to admit it to herself. She thought she had time. How foolish!

At this point she didn't know that time was about to change.

After 6 months of being a fugitive, she had managed to convince Red to help him with his business plans. They were supposed to meet with a turkish group in Miami. It was a minor meeting and Red had been in another one at the same time. He avoided leaving her alone like the plaque and if he had been with her this time she wouldn't have ended up in jail.

This whole thing had been an ambush by the FBI and she hadn't seen Red since that day. She knew he had to hide from the government but she didn't hear a word from him since 6 months. Maybe he left her behind and moved on. The thought alone made her heart clench in despair. Raymond Reddington would never leave her, wouldn't he?

As expected there wasn't a trial, they threw her into a cell and tried to get answers about Red's whereabouts. They tortured her, harmed her but she'd rather die before giving them answers.

It was already December when she went for her weekly walk in the yard. The cold air left her shivering as she watched the arrival of new inmates. The prison she was in consisted of male and female inmates although they were in separated sectors. With her hands buried in her coat pockets, she strolled over to the fence as men and women were lead over the yard. She was used to the obscene gestures by other men and just ignored it. Any sort of trouble would bring her in incommunicado detention and she spent 2 months in there after she refused to give the officials information. She only got food and water every 3 days and it was well known that you'd rather die of dehydration than starvation.

They almost broke her.

Her eyes wandered to a acquainted figure in a familiar orange prison suit. Although his hair was just a little longer and a gray stubble adorned his cheeks and the area around his lips, she recognized Red in an instant. He was handcuffed and walked, with his head held down, to the entrance.

She didn't know what to do and stood still at the fence, frozen in place. Did they catch him as well? He moved too fluidly to get caught which meant he wanted to be there but why now and not earlier? Her feet moved on their own accord back inside. She needed to talk to him. The sectors were connected by the chow hall though it was delimited by palings.

Sounds like a cliche but at least she had a chance to see him.

She avoided every single comment coming from the other inmates on her way and speed up instead. If he came for her, she would be out of there in the near future and it made her feel hopeful. On the other hand she was worried that something went wrong and he wasn't there freely. All she had to do was waiting a few hours.

Easier said than done though.

It felt as if the time passed by even more slowly but when the hall finally got fuller she was relieved to see him between two taller men. He didn't say a word and stared stoically at the back of the person standing before him in the row. He wore his expressionless mask better than ever, revealing no emotion whatsoever.

She quickly strode to the palings and handed a piece of paper to a warder, instructing him to give it to the "guy with the beard". Throughout her time in there she had made some useful connections, including one to the warder. Red's mentorship definitely served her well.

Impatiently waiting, she peeked through the bars and saw the warder coming back.

"He says he has no interest talking to you at any time.", he whispered with his back towards her.

She felt strangled when the words sunk in. No matter what she had done to him in the past, he never let her fall. He had always been there so why not now? She had become a harder person since she was there but she always hoped that Red would come for her and now he was there but he didn't want to see her. Blinking back the tears which threatened to fall, she turned around and almost ran out of the hall. Crying symbolized weakness and that was something you shouldn't be in prison.

Her vision was slightly blurred so she didn't see the person coming from the side and stopping her with his hands around her wrist.

"Inmate 2385.", he read from her ID and handcuffed her. "I'm instructed to bring you in the bunker."

Her shoulders cracked as he handcuffed her and she let out a small wince. "If you wanna ask me your lame questions again, good luck!", she scoffed.

On the other side she caught a glimpse of Red who was looking directly at her. He avoided any eye contact since he arrived and now that she was handcuffed and lead to the musty cell, he dared to look at her. His gaze was hard, cold even as if he didn't give a damn that she was going to be tortured again and that he and his business were the main reason for that.

She was pulled to the exit and held his stare as long as her neck allowed it. It was nearly invisible but his lips twitched up slightly into a frosty smile. He never treated her like that, it was so unusual and it hurt just too much.

She didn't care about incommunicado, she didn't care about torture, dehydration and starvation.

If she lost Raymond Reddington for whatever reason, she lost the will to survive as well.

 **To be continued if you're interested.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for your reviews, favs and follows! I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the first. :)**

Still own nada

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Worst of all was the smell. Her nerves were way too sensitive to the humid air and the musty scent. The room had no windows, leaving her in almost complete darkness if it were not for a flickering lamp hanging from the ceiling. A metal cot stood at the right side and a toilet as well as a sink opposite from the makeshift bed. Naming it spartan would have been a praise. It was inhumane, even for dangerous criminals.

She had no clue how long she had been in there. Maybe it was a day, maybe two. This time they waterboarded her. She had experienced this particular method with Braxton and to be honest she was immensely afraid of drowning since she was a child. She didn't like the thought of water filling her lungs while her body and mind would crave to keep breathing.

Lying down with her hands crossed behind her head, she gazed up at the ceiling, her mind wandering back to Red. Now that she had seen him again, she realized how much she missed him. He appeared skinnier but not because of exhaustion. Actually, he seemed to be in good shape although he didn't get rid of all of his little paunch.

It was all so different and, yet so familiar. She wanted to close the distance between them, being in his warm and safe embrace, hearing his reassuring words that everything is going to okay. Whenever she thought of Red since she was in there, heat crept up from her toes to her neck but it wasn't the kind of heat you felt when you are attracted to someone. It was angst-ridden heat that comes to the surface when your life took an unexpected and bad turn or after you opened a dunning letter. She was constantly worried about his safety, making her feel sick in her stomach and to some extend she hated this about herself.

She hated it even more after he gave her _that look._

Releasing a groan when her stomach rumbled rather loudly, she sat up, facing the ground and covered her abdomen. At least, she knew that she must have been in there for almost 2 days in which she didn't get food. Thinking back to her first 3 nights, she chuckled quietly, remembering how she tried to motivate herself by thinking about all kind of cuisines she would have liked to eat when she would be a free person again.

 _If she would ever be a free person again._

A crackling noise, coming from the wall, startled her. She pushed herself up and lurked over, watching how a single brick dropped onto the ground with a echoing _thud_ in the small room. Picking up the stone, she kneeled in the corner, waiting for whoever wanted to intrude the cell. Her hands were slightly shaking as they encompassed the moist and damp rock. Someone was behind this wall and she was on alert. Maybe the warden had given up on her and decided to kill her or the Cabal. She would definitely attack the person as soon as he or she comes in. The hole in the wall became larger with every passing minute until a hand peeked through the opening, clutching at the edge of the hole for support. In this moment, she didn't think about the possibility that there was probably more than one person. She struck out, hitting the strangers hand as hard as she could and heard a low grunt from the other side. Even it was just a grunt, she knew to whom this voice belonged. Crawling in front of the gap, she saw Red rubbing his hand, his face stricken with pain.

She grabbed him by the upper arm, pulling him inside. He was dressed in this dreadful orange prison suit although it was covered in several dark stains. Leaning against the wall with her shoulder, she raised an eyebrow at him. "Looks broken if you ask me.", she stated flatly. As sad as it sounded, she didn't know if she could trust him after the last encounter.

"Because it is, in fact, broken. Who do you think would come in here in the middle of the night?", he asked, stabilizing his hand on his healthy arm.

"A hitman.", she answered, feigning to be dumbfounded. "You could have warned me before you came in."

"I apologize but the mobile connection was rather bad. Maybe the next time." He peered up to her then, recognizing her inner trouble immediately since she always unconsciously chewed on her bottom lip, and frowned. "Lizzie, are you afraid of me? If it is because of what happened 2 days ago, I can assure you that I had no other choice. Your friend, the warder, watched me watching you. I did it for your safety."

She sagged down next to him, sighting. "Why are you even here? Coming in through my back door leaves me thinking this was your plan."

"I'm gonna get you out, but tonight I've brought you food.", he said, grabbing behind him and handing her a plastic bag. "I tried to get you Indian take out but my contact could only get you Hamburgers."

Right now she wanted to hug him and slap herself for believing that he wasn't trustworthy. Being with him made it all more bearable, feeling his shoulders rose and fall loosened the knot in her stomach. She stuck her nose into the bag and closed her eyes, breathing in deeply and couldn't help but moan as the scent of beef and warm bread hit her nerves.

Grabbing and unwrapping one, she greedily took a large bite and mumbled, "This is heavenly, thank you! Whoever is responsible for that awful prison food should be in prison." It didn't make sense but she didn't care at the moment.

"Dig in, Lizzie! We have a long route ahead of us and you need to do us a favor in order to keep us safer in the next few days.", he explained, placing a soda in her lap and went on. "We're leaving tomorrow night but you need to tell the warden that I run business in Japan. That will keep them distracted while we're crawling through the wastewater pipe, taking a long walk and a swim in the river."

"We have to crawl through a pipe full of shit? Is there no other way?"

"Unfortunately not. We can't walk out through the front door and I have planned your escape since you've been imprisoned. That tunnel leads directly to my and to every isolation cell as well as to the pipe that will bring us out. I have planted a warder in here who has the night shift tomorrow. Trust me, it is the safest route."

"If it's safe and sound there's no reason for you to be here."

"Do you really think I let you walk alone through all this filth? If so, then you're hugely mistaken. You should know by now that I'd prefer carrying you and I simply don't want you to be on your own.", he whispered softly, resting his hand on her thigh. She had been alone for far too long and he wasn't sure if he would have survived one more day without her.

"You don't have to do this.", she replied quietly, taking his hand and observed the injury carefully. It seemed his middle- and ring finger were broken and visibly swollen. "Your hand..."

"Is still broken but when I splint the fracture it shouldn't be a problem. We're supposed to meet with Dembe at an abandoned airstrip in 3 days. He'll have pain medication with him."

"How is he?" Red's friend had been with her that day and she didn't know what happened to him. He had become sort of a brother to her and she needed to know that he was okay.

"Dembe is fine but feels utterly guilty that he couldn't protect you. He wanted to be here instead of me but he would get stuck in the pipe with his broad shoulders.", he said, his lips turning upwards into a small smile.

"It's not his fault."

"That is what I told him as well.", he agreed, nodding.

They fell into a comfortable silence while she finished her meal. Looking her up and down, he noticed her paler skin and how much weight she had lost during the recent months. He could only hope the psychical damage was slim and she would recover soon. He went through hell and worked day and night to make a safe escape possible, he hit the gym as often as he could to be in shape and neglected his business.

Evidently stuffed, she leaned over him and threw the bag back in the hole. For the first time in months, he saw her smiling at him and he was so, so glad to be with her again. He wished he could stay longer and hold her until she would fall asleep but he had to go back.

"I'll be back tomorrow night. Until then, try to get some rest." Bending his head to the side, he caressed her cheek gently with the tip of his thumb. He felt her arms closing around his waist and heard her sigh against his chest.

She was halfway seated on his lap, trying to prolong the moment of comfort as long as possible. Muttering a low voiced "Thank you", she closed her eyes and fought against her own emotions, biting down hard on her lip to stop the tears from welling up. It felt so good and so right to be in his arms, hearing his strong heartbeat and smelling his soothing scent. It was dangerous to need someone as much as she needed him but she didn't choose to feel like this way.

She didn't want to change it either.

He held her without protest, pulling her closer and tenderly stroking up and down her back. He was incredibly proud of her. She was so smart, brave and strong and it made him love her even more. Still sitting on the cold ground, he rocked back and forth and eventually lulled her to sleep. He dropped a kiss on her temple and got up with Lizzie in his arms, wincing as a sharp pain ran through his fingers.

He laid her down gently, whispering a barely audible "I missed you." ,and tried not to wake her up as he tiptoed to the tunnel. Putting the bricks in place, he glanced one more time to her small form before he filled the final gap and disappeared in the darkness.

 **Tbc... Let me know what you think! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for the responses. I'm happy you like it so far and there's more to come. This is all unbetaed so all mistakes are mine.**

 **I own nada.**

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When she awoke, he had been gone already and yet she still felt him all around her. Red came for her as he always did. When no one else had been there, she could always count on him. He gave up everything for her so the least she could do was to overcome one day more of interrogation. By the time they were finished with her, her muscles were sore and her whole body felt stiff.

Once back in her isolation cell, she stretched out on the ground to ease the pain in her back. If she was at home, it would have helped her but at the moment nothing seemed to lessen the pain. She couldn't even tell where it came from. Every part hurt and her mental state wasn't better. Red told her to wait but she became more and more impatient with every passing minute. When the first brick hit the ground behind her, she crawled over and helped him removing the stones. "Hey!", she whispered, half smiling.

"You okay?", he asked, not even trying to hide his concern.

"Yeah, I just wanna get out of here. My back is killing me."

He stepped in her cell and handed her a gun. "I'll give you a massage as soon as we arrive at our first destination." He would pamper and never leave her alone from now on. He knew what she went through in there and his associates would take care of every person who dared to touch her.

"That's motivation enough."

Climbing back in the narrow tunnel first, he allowed himself to smile at her reply. All of this wasn't easy for him either. The facility was well protected but he planned their escape so thoroughly that almost nothing could go wrong. "Follow me then."

She tucked her gun beneath the waistband of her pants and crawled behind him through the dirty tunnel. It was dark, the only light source a flashlight Red had brought with him. After a few minutes they arrived the wastewater pipe. Wiping the sweat from her forehead, she sighted. "You didn't happen to bring nose clips with you, did you?"

He screwed open a small bottle and wiped some of the substance under his nostrils. "No, but Mr Kaplan gave me this.", he stated, breathing in deeply, "That should work. You go in first, I'll be right behind you in case someone finds us"

Soon after she applied the oil, she climbed down into the pipe. The smell wasn't as penetrating as expected but still very unpleasant. Waiting on all fours, she waited for Red who let out a grunt in disgust. Both creeped through the hole and her prison suit was soon soaked with bodily waste. The position they were in was neither good for her back, nor her neck but she wouldn't want to be closer to the filth than necessary. "Is everything okay?"

"Of course, sweetheart. I'm enjoying the view.", he replied, his voice nasaly and that sound made her giggle a little.

"You can enjoy the view for a few more minutes but we're almost there so prepare yourself to say goodbye to my backside."

"Aren't we a little bossy tonight?" Lizzie didn't know it but the view of her behind was the only thing that distracted him enough and kept him from vomiting. As he heard the stream of the river he picked up the pace, his steps echoing in the pipe which caused her to move faster.

"No, but I don't wanna be the reason for your distraction."

She could finally smell the fresh air and absorbed as much of it as she could before she dove into the water. It was freezing and the cold almost hurt her skin. Gasping for air, she looked around to find Red somewhere near her but he was nowhere to be seen. She did another 360° turn and called out for him several times.

Nothing, except silence and darkness around her.

Despite the coldness, a wave of heat and worry crept up her spine. Suddenly, a hand grasped at her ankles, making her flinch. The water wasn't deep where she was standing so she kneeled down and caught his hand in hers and pulled him up.

Red came up and coughed to get rid of the little amount of water he must have inhaled before he got back up to his feet.

"What the hell happened?", she panted.

"Something caught around my leg."

"Are you okay?", she asked a little bit more concerned.

"I'm fine." He pointed to a backpack, hidden in the reeds. "In the bag are fresh clothes, soap and a disinfectcant. We have to walk a few miles until we arrive somewhere safe." Unbuttoning his shirt and tossing it aside, he reached for the bag and pulled out the soap.

"Where are we anyway? They never told me where I am."

"Near Boston." He started to scrub himself clean, not missing her stolen glances towards him although she was trying very hard to hide it. Not wanting to make her uneasy, he turned around and slid out of his slacks.

"At least it's not a secret prison in the north sea."

"It would have made things more difficult for sure."

They fell into silence as they cleaned themselves up. Red was dressed first into dark denim jeans and his black hoodie jacket. He gathered their clothes and stuffed the belongings in the bag before throwing the item in the opposite direction. "Are you ready, Lizzie?"

She zipped up her jacket and burried her hands in her pockets. "Yeah, we can go now."

The night sky was cloudy which didn't make it any easier to see where they were going. Red linked their hands as she almost fell once and gently pulled her along. The ground was musty and uneven, the branchea cracked under their footsteps. She looked over her shoulder more than one time, the facility becoming smaller with each step and normally that should reassure her but it didn't. Somehow she felt as if someone followed them although it was a silly thought since no one checked the isolation cells at night.

Red's thumb repeatedly brushed over her skin. Of course he knew what she was thinking about and it bothered her that she was so easy to read while she'd had no idea about his trail of thought most of the time. Given the complex relationship they shared, it was a miracle that they acted so comfortable around each other.

They walked for an hour or more, she couldn't quite tell but her feet were already numb. Her legs on the other hand weren't and it hurt like hell. She wasn't used to walk that long and her muscles weren't as existent as they had been a few months ago.

As she heard a noise behind her, she pulled her gun and aimed at the source but she had, again, just imagined things. "Come, Lizzie! We're almost there."

"But there was something." She peeked around for the last time with their hands still entangled. If it was because she didn't want to let go or he, she didn't know. Maybe they both needed the contact. Red was seldom without Dembe and his sweaty palms confirmed that he was not as calm as he pretended to be.

"Lizzie, there is no one. An associate of mine has the night shift. They won't notice we're gone until tomorrow morning.", he reassured, gently tugging on her hand.

"It could've been an animal."

"The area is safe, trust me."

She closed up to him until they went side by side the rest of the way. They eventually came across a non asphalted street which was only illuminated by a handful of street lamps. He stopped in his tracks and looked with a distant gaze at a huge country house on the other side of the road. Anew, she wished she could read his mind but he wouldn't give anything away, if she asked him straight out. Instead, she squeezed his hand in an act of comfort. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, haven't been here for some time. Now let's get you somewhere warm!"

The property included a garden which seemed to be cared for during his absence. By the time they reached the front door, he appeared pale and his breathing was more than a little heavy. "Red, you look as if you enter hell at any minute so please tell me what is wrong!", she demanded.

He pushed open the door and ushered her inside. "You'll find your answer very soon, Lizzie.", he sighted and switched on the light. They were standing in a hall that lead into the living room on the right side and to the kitchen in the opposite direction. Whoever lived there must have been wealthy, given the luxurious interior design. Her eyes wandered to family images on the wall. She inspected a black and white photo of a family. The dark haired man wore a military uniform and had his son placed in his lap, the blonde woman was sitting next to him, smiling widely while the boy was pouting and had his brows furrowed. "Is this you?", she asked, pointing at the approxiamately 3 year old boy.

"Raymond?", called an unfamiliar voice, causing both to turn around. Red made a displeased noice from the back of his throat as he noticed the woman who descended the stairs. All color left his face as his lips parted slowly. She wondered for a moment if they were in any sort of danger but he was so numb and in shock that she suspected that the reason was something else entirely.

"I guess I told you specifically not to be here!", he finally said in a tight voice.

He balled his hands into fists as a pair of warm hands palmed his cheeks so lovingly and tender that it nearly hurt him. If anything would go wrong, she was in danger as well and he wanted to keep her safe by staying away as far as possible but the instant in which he realized that she was there, and that she touched him instead of slapped him, he almost bursted out in tears.

"Do you really believe I would go away when my son contacts me after 20 years?", she asked quietly, tilting her head in doing so.

"You're not safe!", he whispered. "I can't take the risk of placing you in danger."

The smile he received in return was acquainted. She'd given him this smile as he was a young man when he said something which she found unfounded. "I don't care if I'm in danger. It doesn't matter as long as I can see you.", she answered softly, tears of joy and sadness running over her cheeks. "I've waited 25 years for this to happen."

And this last statement along with her fingertips which tapped over his head as if she wanted to memorize him was almost too much for him to bear. He bit down on his cheek, hard. He'd visioned such a scenario differently and there still was Lizzie who averted her eyes from the scene before her. He would probably do the same in her position.

"Mom, I - ..." He wanted to a apologize, he wanted to tell her that he loved her and that he is so confused at the moment but nothing would ease the pain she felt over the years.

"Shh, it's okay.", she cut him off and pulled him into a hug. He squeezed his eyes shut as his arms flung around her. She smelled familiar and aged well over the years. It relieved him that she was physically fine and hated himself that he made her suffer so badly.

"Why don't you introduce me to your lovely friend?", she suggested and put some distance between them.

He cleared his throat and blinked away the tears. "This is Elizabeth, a close friend, Elizabeth, please meet my mother Theodora Reddington."

 **TBC... Opinions?**

 **AN: I wondered a lot about Red's parents and while I strongly believe that his father is dead, I imagine his mother to be alive. And mothers are naturally worried over their children so I think she wouldn't hate him. I think his mother would love to see him again if she is still alive. She is in my universe though! :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**thanks for your reviews to the last chapter. I'm glad you liked it. I made this one slightly longer since I won't update my fics in the next two weeks. (I finished my exams and am now on my holidays. I try to write as fast as possible though. :) )**

 **I wrote this rather quickly on my phone so if there are more mistakes than usual, I apologize in advance.**

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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She was gawking at the two of them and didn't know how to react. His mother was just a little shorter than him and altogether a typical old lady with gray hair, glasses and a heart warming smile. She often wondered who his parents are and whether they were still alive or not. Well, she had the answer to that now. Realizing that she was still ogling, she quickly moved forward and awkwardly stretched out her hand. "It's, um, nice to meet you.", she said, grimacing at the odd tone of her voice. "I'm sorry for the trouble we caused. I mean..."

"Nonsense! Now, let's get the two of you warmed up! Your hands are awfully cold."

"We can take care of ourselve.", Red tried to make sure as they went to the couch. There were more framed pictures attached to the wall and on the mantelpiece. She always had had a foible for family portraits. It was something he had adopted from her. In his former life when his own family was still intact, he'd had a lot of pictures in his house as well.

"I know that you can but you look exhausted. So please allow me to make you feel comfortable." She put some more wood in to the fire which lit the room in a soft, orange glow."Would you like some tea, or something to eat maybe?"

Lizzie was sitting close to Red on the couch, close enough for their thighs to touch. She bumped her leg encouraging against his and got a questioning look from him in return. Blinking to his mother, he eventually understood and nodded once. "Tea, please. Lizzie?", he asked, briefly glancing to her.

"Yeah, tea is fine. Thank you!"

"Good, I'll be back shortly."

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When she was out of sight, he released a shuddering breath while his palms nervously fluttered along his upper legs. He was emotional conflicted. This house held so many memories and it was hard to come back. No matter where he looked at, flashbacks of his youth came to live before his eyes. He'd played cards with his parents in this room, he'd sat on this very couch and told them he'd be a father. He'd had his first kiss in the hall with Mary Osswalt who was his first love. He was tremendously glad to see his mother happy but it broke his heart to know that he must leave her again.

Lizzie reached over, lacing their hands to stop his fidgeting. It was the first time she seeks out contact between them and it is one more act that warmed but simultaneously terrified him today.

"How are you feeling?", she whispered, leaning in closer.

"You don't want me to explain that."

"I do but I won't force you though. Just in case you'll need anyone to talk to, I'm there."

He let his head hang, smiling weakly. "Thank you, but frankly, I don't want to wreck your pretty head with my demons."

"We're in this together and I sure as hell won't let you go through all of this alone."

She was right, they were in this together but he feared to share his worries with someone else. Lizzie wasn't just someone else, she was his anchor and touchstone, and he'd rather die than to tell him all of his fears. She was in so much trouble, mainly because of him. He won't put more weight onto her shoulders, let alone when it would give him relief in return.

He shifted in his seat as the clinking of teacups announced his mothers return. Lizzie quickly let go and distanced herself which, to some extent, displeased him, given the fact that he'd had her actual closeness for more than a day now. On the other hand, he couldn't help but chuckle wryly as she nearly jumped to the other end of the sofa.

"I'm pleased to see you, Raymond. But we both know you owe me an explanation about your disappearance.", she said as she filled each cup.

He huffed a bitter laugh, crossing his right leg over the left. "It is better for your safety when you -" He should have known that she wouldn't let him finish.

"Enough!", she interrupted with her voice slightly raised, leaving him shocked for a minute. He never heard this authoritarian tone coming from her before. "Do you have any idea how your father and I felt after you were gone? Can you imagine how disappointed your father was when they accused you for being a criminal in the news? But the worst part for me is that you abandoned your wife and daughter for no reason. Let me tell you that I don't believe that, because this is not who you are but I need to know what happened!"

"I didn't have a choice, that's all I'm saying.", he replied, looking up.

"Does it have anything to do with the fire that happened in 89'?"

Lizzie almost chocked on her tea as the fire was mentioned and focused on Red who was absently chewing his cheek, his gaze somewhere far away. She knew that the older woman just hit a soft spot and that she was probably right. He refused to say anything, because he wouldn't tell them the truth freely and he wouldn't lie either.

"Red? What else happened that night?", Lizzie asked him softly.

"I won't tell."

She arched an eyebrow, trying to contain her frustration but he was infuriating. "Your mother is right, it's enough! I'm 31, maybe even older but this is yet another secret between us. I can handle the truth and she deserves to know what happened. So please stop being a stubborn fool and say something!"

He ran his hand tiredly over his stubble. "I'm not gonna tell you what happened, Lizzie!", he sighted. How much he hated these encounters.

"Well, good. I'm in need for a shower anyway!", she stated, getting up. His mother was kind enough to lead her to the bathroom before she came back. He was still in the same position on the couch, his tea untouched. He would never tell Lizzie the truth. As much as the death of her father haunted her but he could never say what king of events followed after this horrible night.

"Is this woman the girl from the fire?", she asked as she entered the room.

"Yes.", he whispered. "Alan and the other members of this organization framed me as a traitor since I was working for her mother. They made it look like I was in cahoots with the KGB because I helped Katerina that night, and if Lizzie finds out, she will blame herself for my misery and I can't let that happen." He clasped his hand together in his lap. "With the help of a doctor I blocked her memory so that she won't have to live with the fact that she killed her own father. Eventually she remembered and it is haunting her."

"She was all over the news. Reports say she is a foreign Agent."

"Sounds familiar, doesn't it?"

Casually sipping her tea, she gave him an approving nod. "What are you trying to achieve? Proving your innocence?"

"Exposing this Cabal, reveal the truth and keeping Elizabeth and myself alive."

"I hope you don't mind me asking this but what happened to Carla and Jennifer?"

He sighted soundly and looked out of the window. Considering his options and the undeniable truth that his mother was a living polygraph, he decided to tell her half of the truth. "They went into witness protection. They are fine."

Leaning forward, she patted his knee. "Thank you for your honesty.", she smiled warmly. Surely, she must have been sick with worry about her grandchild and daughter in law.

For a long moment, he sat there, thinking how his life would be without all this trouble. He was sure he wouldn't be married anymore. Carla was miserable because of him and his job, the long working hours. She was basically a single mother although she had been married to him. Maybe he wouldn't know Lizzie personally. A day without her in his life was unfathomable by now. "I'm sorry for disappointing you.", he muttered defeated.

"Oh Raymond. Knowing what you did and what you still do, doesn't disappoint me. You're fighting for the truth, you saved an innocent little girl and this is something you should be proud of. I, for one, am."

"I'm a criminal. I've commited crimes, I've killed people.", he countered, facing her with a shocked expression at her previous statement.

"Was it essential for your survival?"

"Yes, but - "

"Then I understand. You do what you have to do to stay alive and to protect those you care for."

She made all of this sound so easy but with every person he killed, he gave away a piece of his soul that he won't get back. With his lips pressed together, he nodded, thinking it was for the best to put the topic to rest.

"You should tell Elizabeth the truth.", she suggested, her tone emphatic.

For a moment he pondered if he should compare her to Dembe but they both were right. He should do that, he just simply can't bring himself to do that. "I think about it.", he finally agreed.

"Will I see you tomorrow or will you be already gone?" And there was it again, fear in her voice but he quickly shook his head.

"We'll have to stay for 2 days."

She gathered their dishes on a plate. "I prepared the guest room for you. I've fully renovated the house so this is the only room available with a bed I'm afraid."

"Lizzie and I will manage. Speaking of Lizzie, she's been gone for a while. I better check on her."

* * *

He helped her to bring the items into the kitchen. Against all expectations the evening went well and had him forget for a mere moment how messed up the situation, he was currently in, was.

"She is a quite a sweetheart."

"That, she undoubtedly is.", he smirked in spite of himself as they went up the stairs. He was fairly excited to share a room with her and to hold her again. Moreover, he owed her a massage but she was probably already asleep. Glancing over, he noticed her mumbling something like 'I knew it.' to herself. If only he knew what the hell she meant with that.

He leaned down to kiss her cheek, wishing her a goodnight before he quietly entered the bedroom. He wanted to say that he loved her but he had never been good with words, let alone these 3 particular words.

Lizzie was sitting in the bed, her knees pulled up to her chest while she watched night passing by. Exhaustion as well as sadness was written across her face and he craved to make her feel better, to make her forget all the horrible events.

"Do you mind if I sleep here, or do you want me to take the couch? ", he asked.

"I don't mind."

"You don't mind when I stay, or you don't mind to throw me out?

She gave him a tired smile. He loved to play dense sometimes. "I want you to stay and I want to apologize for my little outburst earlier. I told you I wouldn't force you to tell me things but I did just that."

"No need to apologize. I can only imagine how frustrated you must be.", he answered, peeling off his hoodie and undershirt. "I understand that you're unhappy with me." He slid out of his slacks and joined her under the covers.

"I'm not unhappy with you.", she said flatly. "You know, when I saw you in prison and thought you didn't want to get in touch with me, I felt suddenly empty. I never gave up hope that you'd come as you always do and then you ignored me. It was then when I realized that I need you as much as you need me."

He turned onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow, eyeing her concerned. From what she'd told him, she perfectly described the dilemma he was in for almost 3 years now. "Does that frighten you?"

"No, but it is confusing. I can't sort my feelings for you into a category. I don't know what we are or what I want us to be. It's just weird."

He released a throaty chuckle. "Oh, it is everything but definitely not weird. I find it reasonable."

"We don't have a common relationship, Red. You know me since I'm 4, you've watched me for my whole life, you knew my father, my parents, you know more about me than I and this here...", she pointed to the space between them, "is not weird for you?"

"No. It is natural if you ask me. You're right when you say that I know things about your past that you don't know but you also know very well why I keep it a secret. And even though I've watched you from afar, I certainly didn't know you. Sam told me stories but it is different when you meet someone in person. I adored you in an instant but my feelings towards you changed during the time we spent together.", he said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

She involuntary leaned into his touch, the corners of her mouth turning upwards. Nevertheless she didn't want to hear how he felt, yet. She barely knew him, his past was an ongoing mystery as well as his real character. Hell, even his favorite musician she didn't know.

"Sounds logical.", she agreed, lying down on her back. "Red?"

"Hm?"

"Do you mind if I use your legs as a foot warmer?"

"Women and their cold feet.", he said in feigned annoyance but stretched out his arm anyway. "Come here!"

She cuddled up close to him, burying her head on his bare chest while her feet pressed against his ankles, making him shudder. "God, Lizzie! This cannot be healthy."

"Do you still adore me?"

"More than anything in the world, sweetheart.", he whispered sincerely, kissing the crown of her head.

Even though they didn't know what they were and what they could be; they would find the answer together, because that is what they were capable of.

 **Tbc... let me know what you think.**

 **To the reviewer who was thrilled to read about Reds family and what really happened, I have to apologize. I have a vague guess what could've happened but I stick with the current canon. I hope you liked this chapter even if I couldn't give you a proper answer.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you so much for your reviews and kind words. It is very appreciated.**

 **It is Lizzies turn to talk to Red's mom in this chapter. It lacks Red and Liz but I promise they'll talk in the next chapter.**

 **Reviews and constructive criticism is always welcomed.**

 **Still own nothing**

Lizzie awoke first in the morning as she felt an odd scratching sensation on her skin. Peeking to the left, she found Red's head on her shoulder and his arm around her waist, holding her close. She'd had nothing against cuddling but he needed a shave if he wanted to do this again.

She'd slept well for the first time in months, maybe years. Last night's conversation still kept her busy. Her feelings for him were strong and overwhelming but was she ready to take it any farther and cross the last line in the sand?

Carefully sneaking out of his embrace and sitting on the edge of the bed, she threw over her sweater and put on a pair of dark pants. She hoped that Red had arranged a duffel bag with clothes to wear for the next few days.

As she entered the kitchen she noticed to be the first awake. Although his mother was a caring and lovable person, she was glad that she didn't have to face her after their first encounter. She fought with the coffee machine, trying to make a simple filter coffee and ended up flooding the kitchen counter for whatever reason.

Muttering a stressed out 'Damn it!' while cleaning up the counter with a sponge, she hadn't realized that she wasn't alone anymore.

"This thing only makes trouble. I never wanted any of those coffee machines but a friend recommended it and told me it was a safe investment.", his mother explained with a smirk and helped her cleaning up.

"It actually is a good investment when it works as it should."

"I've never been fond of this technical nick-nack to be honest."

"I think I've heard this before." Liz smiled inwardly while sipping her coffee.

"May I ask you something, Elizabeth?", she asked, filling her own cup and sat at the table.

She nodded and took a seat opposite from her. Her hands encircled the mug before she'd start fidgeting.

"I've read you've been a profiler before...", she paused, not wanting to step on her toes.

She nodded. "Before my life turned upsite down."

"Yes. You know him better than I do and I just want to know how he is. He'd never tell me, that's why I'm asking you."

That was truly a good question to that she'd love to hear an answer as well except her own. Taking another sip to sort out her words carefully, she studied his mothers features. Both had long eyelashes and the same green eyes which peered back at hers with expectation. There was a lot of his mother in Red. "It is difficult. I barely know him, let alone am I aware about his feelings but he isn't proud of what he has become. He thinks he is undeserving of any kind of affection and caring.", she said, her voice becoming smaller by the end.

"How do you know?"

She swallowed, thinking back to the king auction and Red's response that she was never to do it again. "About a year ago he has been captured by a family and... they auctioned him to an unknown man who wanted him dead. I saved him and instead of being grateful, he insisted that I'd never do it again."

The older woman narrowed her eyes, nodding in understanding although Liz doubted that she really understood what kind of life her son lead throughout the years. "I hope you don't listen to him in those moments.", she said, trying to sound light-hearted.

"I never do. It's, both, a blessing and a curse, really.", she chuckled quietly. Red had always been patient with her and her mood swings. That was something she'd probably never find again in her life. This bond they shared was unique, a once in a lifetime relationship. "He suddenly showed up and made me question my whole life. The day we met I stabbed a pen in his neck."

She stopped as she heard his mother gasp at her revelation and quickly raised her hands in defense. "He was infuriating and provoked me. I realized after 3 years of working with him that I could never harm him but I'd kill for him!"

Liz smiled albeit a little forced and stared into her half empty coffee mug. He was as much her ray of light as she was his. They were equal partners although he'd never say that. She wasn't better than him.

"I'm deeply sorry that you're in trouble but I hope you don't mind me saying that I'm glad that he is not alone in this."

"He's not but that doesn't change that he feels lonely. I'm the last person he'd use as his punching bag since he blames himself for my misery.", she explained with a desperate shake of her head.

His mother gave her a questioning look. She shouldn't tell her what happened but Red was her son and hadn't she a right to know about it? "I blackmailed a shadow organization in order to save Re... Raymond. I revealed myself a target and then this happened.", she sighted. "I choose this option for myself but he won't see it."

"Oh, I'm sure he does see it but given your past he might thinks you do it, because you feel you have to and not because you want to."

Well, that would certainly make sense but he surely must know that she'd choose him over anyone else by now. He was one of the smartest person she knew so he was aware of her feelings, wasn't he?

"And here I thought this fact can remain unspoken.", she replied dryly.

"Let me tell you something. Raymond is terrible at reading other peoples emotions. He's intelligent but when it comes to interpersonal relationships he has always been a little clumsy."

Liz thought about Tom and how Red hired him first for her safety. He must have thought he did the right thing although he did the exact opposite. They needed to talk, not only about their future but also about their past. If only he wasn't such a stubborn idiot.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her fingertips tipping on the table. "What was he like before he disappeared ?", she asked, holding her breath as she waited for an answer.

"He was caring, loyal, trustworthy and a loving father and son who valued his family above all else. He's always been a charmer and fond of hearing himself talk. As a teenager he'd rather helped his father doing labor work than going to a high school party. Of course he'd had his moments when he stumbled through our front door, completely wasted but those exceptions were rare. His father had been a military man so the tone had been a little rough sometimes but we've tried to find a balance so that he becomes a person you can count on.", she said, then tilting her head from side to side, "And I think we've succeeded with that.", she smiled fondly.

Liz couldn't help but think that this version of Red hadn't been much different from his persona now. She laced her fingers on the table, letting out a puff of air. "You certainly did and I can assure you that he's still this man. I can count and rely on him even though I treated him bad throughout the first 2 years. He's done everything to comfort me and all I did was pushing him away. To be honest he's the one who deserves the best in life and not I.", she managed weakly. Normally, she wouldn't share those thoughts but his mother had an aura of peace and understanding around her that her own words just flooded out of her mouth.

"And so do you, Elizabeth. I don't know what threat you're facing but you and Raymond are brave and strong enough to overcome everything you want.", she said in a serious tone, getting up and collecting their empty cups.

Liz pursed her lips, lost in thought. Was she right? Could they prevail each and every threat? She wanted desperately to believe in it but something, she couldn't figure out, was holding her back. She loved Red, not just platonically but in every other aspect as well. His scent, his warmth and the fact that he always found the right words to say.

"Where did you get that from?"

Red's mom looked over her shoulder as she put the mugs into the sink and smiled knowingly. "Sort of a maternal instinct which never failed me."

* * *

On the other end of the room stood Red who had listened to every single word. He balled his hand into a fist, his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. He finally understood that his Lizzie was as damaged as he was and he couldn't get rid of the tiny voice inside his head that this was his fault.

Their feelings for one another evolved and grew stronger each day. He almost told her that he loved her last night and right now he was glad that he didn't.

It was time to make a decision.

 **Tbc...**


	6. Chapter 6

**hey hey hey. THANK YOU for your reviews. It keeps me writing. This chapter is super angsty and i have to apologize in advance.**

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

He didn't join them in the kitchen but disappeared into the backyard instead. Taking out the ax from the garage, he went to the rack with the stovewood, splitting piece by piece with increasing force. Normally, he'd have drunken himself into oblivion but this situation wasn't normal. What was he thinking to share his thoughts with Lizzie? He knew about her feelings. He might have been a little naive to believe that she would never feel anything for him but the moment she sat in the chair after the RM therapy and told him not to touch her, he just knew how deeply hurt she had been.

He knew but that didn't mean he understood the why.

She accused him of being a monster. How true! She pushed him away over and over again. He would never judge her for that. She blamed him for everything bad in her life. He didn't mind because it was true as well so why on earth did she care about him?

Stopping in his tracks, he looked to the pile he'd had hacked. It had been years since he had done this and he'd hoped he probably finds comfort in the activity but it only made him more aggressive. He was full of self loath, he would like to hit something. His head was clouded with guilt because he had to reject her which meant he would hurt her.

* * *

He distanced himself from the duo that day, making business related calls instead in his bedroom until the evening. He promised himself to get her out but this time he wouldn't join her. Lizzie reminded him sometimes of his mother. Both were strong, pure and good hearted women. Just like his mom, Lizzie also challenged him and called him out on the things he did wrong. She was his guardian light and he was blinded and so very selfish to think about her that way.

Shrugging off his shirt, he went on all fours on the ground and did some push ups. Hacking firewood didn't banish the mental images out of his head, not even his business did so he tried sports. Drops of sweat were beading on his forehead, running down the bridge of his nose to his chin, his eyes intensely focused on the bed in front of him. The bed in which he almost told her about his sick feelings, the sheets they had slept under, the mattress on which her body curled up into his so perfectly.

Concentrated on the task, he didn't hear her coming in but he felt her presence behind him. He'd turned his back towards her so she had a perfect view of his scares. She would probably find those hideous and finally acknowledge him as the beast he was. Ignoring her, he continued, grunting as he pushed himself up on his arms. His breath came in sharp huffs, his bones and muscles hurting more with every passing second. He had stopped counting long ago but he was sure his body would ache for the following days.

He sat down with his sock clad feet pressed on the ground, wiping off the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. Their eyes locked and yet she said nothing, her gaze didn't gave anything away either. With her chin raised in self-assurance, she walked to the end of the bed, sitting down and waiting for him to speak up. Well, he certainly wouldn't because his mouth only leads him into trouble.

"I must admit you never cease to surprise me, Red. I never took you for someone who values sports.", she stated, leaning forward and resting her forearms on her thighs.

"There are many things you aren't aware of, Elizabeth. Speaking of which, I need to talk to you and my mother but I'm gonna take a shower first." He sounded distant even to his own ears as those words left his lips.

The corners of her mouth drifted downwards. He rarely called her by her given name unless when he was disappointed or angry with her but this time he seemed nervous. "Is something wrong? Did Dembe call?"

He shook his head while getting up on his feet. "Change in plans. I see you downstairs in 15."

* * *

The two women changed an concerned look as Red sat down on the opposite side of the table, folding his hands on the surface. Her mind wandered back to the scars she'd seen earlier. It was clear where they came from. He'd been through hell for her and carried the burden literally on his shoulders. She promised not to coerce him and if he wasn't ready to share she would wait. She owed him that much at least.

A rumbling sound echoed in the room as he cleared his throat. He didn't know where to begin even though he practiced his speech under the shower. "We have to leave sooner than expected I'm afraid. Officials suspect us still in Massachusetts which is true and due to the circumstances and for both of your safety ... we have to seperate.", he finished in a strained voice, his glance shifting to Lizzie.

Nodding in approvement, she worried her scar with her fingertips. "For how long?"

"Would you give Elizabeth and myself a few minutes in private, please?", he asked his mother without breaking eye contact with Lizzie. Once they were alone he went on. "I've made arrangements including an identity and fitting bank accounts for you. You're free to choose where you'd like to go first but I recommend countries without an extradition treaty with the U.S.. At least until I have the situation with the Director and his Minions under control. You can choose 2 out of 5 people who will protect you from a distance. I assure you that hey won't invade your privacy at any point." He lowered his head by the time he'd ended his statement. He couldn't look her in the eye. What a coward he was.

"When are we ...", she paused, her brows furrowed in confusion. "... supposed to meet again?"

He swallowed, his eyes finally rising to meet her face. His left eye twitched as he desperately searched for the right words.

"Red? We are coming together at one point, aren't we?", she asked, realization finally hitting her that he was about to end their journey but she needed to hear it from him.

"No!"

His answer felt like a knife in her stomach. It was his final decision that he just told her out loud. He ended their relationship on his terms. For once and for all.

His Lizzie deserved so much better. He wanted her to have a normal life with a caring husband, a bundle of children playing in her backyard but most of all he wanted her to be happy. She was supposed to smile and lead a care free life, not a life where she'd have to look over her shoulder. He couldn't give her that but he would try to keep her from harm.

He gave her a chance.

"Why? What has changed?"

"We have changed. We've crossed almost every line in our relationship and I won't risk to cross the last one.", he explained hoarsely.

"What the hell? Screw your damn metaphors and tell me what has changed!", she snapped.

"I told you already. My feelings for you aren't what they once were and given the fact that you and I have been stuck with each other for some time let me think that yours changed also."

"So what? Do you believe splitting up makes it easier for any of us? Do you think you'll forget me when I'm no longer with you?"

"No, but I hope you'll find new possibilities."

She huffs a frustrated laugh, her head turning to the side. "Yeah sure! I'm gonna forget the man who saved my life, covered up the death of my biological father and helped me disappear. You gave me a life, Red! Your stupid idea won't erase anything."

This time he's chuckling dryly. "I've brought you to hell. Anything I did, I did wrong. Tom, your job, your whole life. Sam!"

He knew he'd been unfair to bring his friend up but he wanted to remind her. Her hands balled into fists and for a moment he feared she'd hit him. She wouldn't be the first who did it though.

"You know what I don't get?", she said though she didn't wait for a response. "When you're doing this for me why don't you ask me what I want? It's my life so that is my choice."

"I don't want you with me, Lizzie!"

It scares them both how badly words can hurt a person. She was used to his comforting tone, his words of reassurance but she had never been the target when it came to rejection. Her insides turned upside down and she could basically feel how the last straw of blood left her head.

"When am I supposed to leave?", she asked, her voice cracking.

"Dembe is already waiting outside. He's taking you to a safe house where an associate is waiting for you with all the necessities."

"Wow, you really couldn't wait." She moved past him, blinking the tears away as she went. She couldn't imagine a life without him anymore. She was so used to his presence that she'd had no idea how it would feel not to be with him.

He was close on her heels and as devastated as she was. "Please, try to understand..."

Sighting, she closed the door behind her. Dembe was standing by the all to familiar black Mercedes, his expression changing from observant to caring. With Red gone, she had lost her second family as well.

Damn Raymond Reddington for that.

"Lizzie. Can I at least say goodbye?", Red called out from behind.

"I don't understand any of it, Red. You once said our journey isn't over just yet and you were right. It is far from over because we're in the middle of it but you're a egomaniac. You make decisions for me, you write my story and maybe, maybe you're right. I deserve better than that. I choose myself and I'm gonna make my own decisions and don't you dare to step in if you don't agree with them at one point.", she yelled, walking in his direction.

He hadn't had time to process her words as she suddenly kissed him. In his fantasies he pictured their first kiss to be gentle, kind and passionate and while it was definitely passionate, it was all teeth and tongues.

They desperately clung at each other, breathing becoming meaningless in this moment of pure honesty between them. It hurt him even more to let her go after he found out how she tasted, smelled and what she felt like. He memorized her sounds, the grip of her hands and cherished every second he could hold her longer and his mind told him 'Just one more kiss and then I let go'. It was an ugly circuitry he didn't come out of.

She pulled away first, trying to catch her breath. "Tell me that this felt wrong!", she breathed against his lips. Sure, she didn't want to admit her feelings because she thought he would have time to overthink everything but she hadn't.

"It doesn't and exactly there lies the problem.", he managed quietly, pressing another feather light kiss on her cheek. "Don't make it harder than it already is.", he added in a pleading tone.

"Then it's better to go, isn't it?"

He pushed gently on her shoulders with a sad smile. Fighting against his resistance, he let go of her hands and took a step backwards. "Take care, Lizzie!"

She turned around without another glance to him and entered the vehicle and with Dembe closing the door of the backseat another door had been shut as well.

Raymond Reddington wasn't talking to Elizabeth Keen anymore.

* * *

Tbc... I'm so sorry and I hate Red right now. I actually hate myself for writing this but this chapter basically wrote itself. Please, forgive me and I hope you'll still stick with the story though.


	7. Chapter 7

**Your reviews to the last chapter really made my day and I know it was a cruel move. I still haven't forgiven myself for that.**

 **However here's some more angst but we're getting through this together.**

 **Don't own a damn thing**

* * *

She would have prefered jail over a life without Red because when she'd been imprisoned she had had hope that she would see him again, a feeling she had to live without now, and by god, it ate her up from the inside. It had been 6 months since she had last seen him and it still felt like it was yesterday that they had kissed and held each other. She dreamed about the day they parted, she dreamed about the day they met, whenever she saw a man in a fedora her heart did a crescendo because she though it might be him.

But it never was.

Dembe brought her first to Florida where she received her new passports and credit cards. Red had left a letter for her in which he told her why he turned into the criminal and that he felt guilty for the suicide of her mother but he never mentioned that the murder of her biological father set the ball rolling. She cried. For minutes or hours, she didn't know but she was glad that Dembe was with her.

He stayed with her for a day. Instead of making up a believable background story they spent the night talking. She reassured him that she doesn't blame him for the ambush and her friend was so relieved that they would part on good terms. Together they sat outside on the dirty steps at the entrance, a bottle Tequila placed between them as they talked about their dreams, the future about their friendship but not about Red at all. She knew that Dembe didn't agree with Red's decision but Red had his loyalty and gratitude; Red earned it long ago and Dembe accepted Red's choice but just as Liz he coulnd't comprehend it.

They cried as Dembe left the next day and his last words followed her everywhere since then.

 _"_ _We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere."  
_

Although Red advised traveling to countries without an extradition treaty, she actually didn't give a damn about it. She hoped to re-place the memories she had of Red with the Great Wall of China but of course it didn't work. She went to every continent, explored foreign cultures, got to know new people; learned from them and grew stronger, more indipendend and to a certain degree she felt free from the chains her old life had held her in. There had been a time where she barely thought of Red, she didn't forgot him though. How could she? She carried him with her, in her mind and heart. Always!

That feeling vanished as she travelled from Africa to Europe and heard about the takedown of a worldwide shadow organization by an unknown entity. Throughout the months, Dembe had started to contact her every two weeks without Red's knowledge. They talked over the phone twice a month and sent each other letters about their journey to an anonym mailbox. Gladly, he had respected her wish not to speak about Red but that was changing that day. She had to know how he is; if he was injured or well. Picking up her cell from under her pillow in her hotel room in Barcelona, she dialed him, impatiently waiting for Dembe to pick up. He always answered the phone except this time.

This time he didn't and the implications of the heavy silence on the other end made her whole new world shatter around her.

* * *

It was so enormously hard for him not to reach out to her. He told her to go to safe countries first and he thought he had made himself clear but his Lizzie was stubborn and he should have known she would do the exact opposite. But then her words were replayed in his head.

 _"I'm gonna make my own decisions and don't you dare step in if you don't agree with them."_

He didn't step in but he increased the security measures significantly without her consent. She would've never found out about it and even if she did, she won't come back to him anyway. He left the U.S and his hometown the same day. His mother asked him if she'd ever see him again. She wouldn't! It was only him, Dembe and occasionally Mr Kaplan.

All of those people close to him, including his mother told him that he was a fool for what he did to Lizzie and him. Everybody in their own language though.

His mom said it to him after they hugged each other goodbye. She had used the kindest words. _"I know you're irritated but you deserve a life with happiness in it."_

He held his tongue but his mind immediately screamed that not every story has a happy ending. His own was definitely among those, because his happiness would have been her undoing. His associates informed him about her whereabouts within the first month, then he couldn't bear it anymore. He missed her so very much that it physically hurt. Instead, he kept his mind busy with the task of taking his enemies down. Months of sleepless nights, too many scotch and various women followed but nothing, really nothing had helped him to forget her.

One day he'd met Mr Kaplan for a brief meeting. The elderly women was cleaning up one of too many crime zones when she phrased her concerns about his condition. _"I'm also charged to protect you, Dearie and I'm well aware that you don't want to hear any of that but right now I have to protect you from yourself. You're angry and desperate but if you continue to live like that, your body will be the next I have to clean up. Please, spare me this and get in touch with Elizabeth."  
_

Again he wouldn't want to hear it but Kate was right. He'd gone too far in his rage, killing everyone in his way mercilessly and slowly, and it had worn him out. Most of the women he had encounters with, he met randomly in a bar or restaurant and he didn't even know their names. He turned into a horrible person but he couln't stop it and he tried. More than once he wanted to move on but whenever he closed his eyes he saw her, whenever he breathed he could smell her sweet scent and whenever he thought of the day he told her to leave him he cried at the memory.

Even the success over the Cabal didn't ease the pain he was feeling but it was the day when Dembe talked some sense into him. Samar had joined him for dinner and a quickie in his safe house in D.C. She had had a significant part at the operation and suggested to celebrate the victory. He should have said no but thinking about it afterwards, he was glad that he didn't, because this encounter had been the last straw for his longtime friend.

The female agent waved Dembe goodbye as he arched an eyebrow at the two of them. _"I hope it had been worth the five minutes."_

* * *

Dembe was never sassy and always polite. After Samar had left, Red went to his friend who was reading in the kitchen.

"Is something wrong, Dembe? I hope I didn't step on your toes... If I did I am ..."

"Really Raymond? You're concerned that I'm hurt because you've slept with her?", he cut him off, his eyes rising up.

"You're not?"

"I am not hurt, I am angry! I'm angry at you, I've been angry at you for the last 6 months and do you happen to know why?"

Red rounded the table, his face stricken with notion about what was about to come next.

"I miss Elizabeth. I miss talking and laughing with her and this is your fault. If only you had let me go to take her out of prison, none of that would have happened but you were overtaken with your feelings for her and you are a terrible coward.", he said in a low tone, watching Red's eyes go wide with a satisfied expression before he went on. "You're throwing away the best thing in your life, because you are afraid for whatever reason. Every other person would have been grateful to have a partner by their side like you had but I congratulate you on your wild ride with Agent Navabi!"

Dembe's nostrils flared in anger as he shoved a post card to his employee on the other side of the counter. Hesitantly, Red reached out and skimmed the text. He recognized the handwriting within seconds. Looking up, he had to blink away the tears. He had no idea that Lizzie's absence affected his friend so much. He knew they had become friends but never expected this bond to be that strong.

"You - You are in contact with her? Since when?" Oh, he didn't want his voice to break at the end.

"I started it. We speak twice in a month and write each other."

His heart beat faster and he drew his palm down his face. "How is she?"

"Well so far. She's seeing the world, making new friends but I can tell that she misses you, Raymond. She sounds sad even though she doesn't want to acknowledge it.", he said kindly but with force. Handing him his phone, he stood up and gathered his belongings. "She called and left a message. Apparently, she believes us dead. Call her, pack your bag and fly to Barcelona!"

He switched open the phone, his sweaty fingerpads hovering over the green button. What was he supposed to say? She would want to know how he had been and he wouldn't lie to her about the recent months. He wanted her to find someone else, someone younger than him but according to Dembe she still missed him as much as he missed her.

Not thinking further, he pushed the call button and he was sure he was going to die. When he heard her voice, he drew in a sharp breath.

"Dembe! Are you alright? Is Red alright?"

Her voice was filled with worry and throaty from crying. It nearly brought him down to his knees but hearing her say his name gave him hope. Moreover it gave him back a feeling of warmth. It felt like home.

And he wanted to go home so desperately.

* * *

Tbc... hope it wasn't too crappy. I rewrote this several times and I'm still not fully satisfied with the result. Reviews are always appreciated. :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Many thanks for your reviews. I really appreciate every comment!**

 **Disclaimed as always**

* * *

He blinked twice, his breathing labored as his mind was trying to form a correct sentence. She didn't expect it to be him, maybe she would end the call before it even started. Throwing all his worries overboard, her name fell off his lips like a deliverance. "Lizzie!" And oh god, it felt so good to say her name aloud and he wanted to repeat it all over again.

"Red" It wasn't a question for sure but a statement of equal relief to hear the voice of the other. "Red, thank god! I thought you were...", she trailed off.

He shook his head even though she couldn't see it. "No, no I'm well and so is Dembe. We're good."

Sighting in relief, she became silent on the other end but he didn't want it to end just yet. He wanted to ask her about the experiences she'd made, he wanted to apologize for sending her away and most of all, he wanted her forgiveness.

"I'm sorry you were worried about us. Dembe and I had been busy and went out for dinner."

"It's fine. You have plenty to celebrate."

 _"No, not really_." _,_ he thought but he wouldn't tell her. His worries were his own and not hers. They have never been. "I've heard you've been around the globe."

"Yeah,", she said a little awkwardly as if she didn't want to share any of it and the thought alone felt like a branded mark in his heart. "I've been to Australia first, recently to Africa and arrived in Europe a few days ago."

"That's good. I'm happy you enjoy yourself."

"Did you call for small talk or is there anything else?"

 _'Anything else'_ A phrase with such a broad spectrum. He'd have liked to know what her favorite country was, where she'd met the most interesting people, if she was seeing anybody but he didn't want to continue hoping that she'll come back, that they would rekindle.

"Dembe told me you assumed us dead and ...", _'said you miss me.',_ "I wanted to correct the issue myself."

As soon as he said it, he wanted to slap himself across the face. He poured a glass of scotch into a crystal tumbler. He needed alcohol for that kind of conversation. With the phone balanced between his shoulder and ear, he heard her sharp exhale.

"This is what I am reduced to? To an issue?"

It was ludicrous. He set the stone rolling by hurting her feelings and it wouldn't be the last time he did so. "You'll never be just an issue, Lizzie.", he said and downed the liquor.

"Then why did you say it?"

"I don't know."

He really didn't, he couldn't think. Maybe he wanted to suffer and be the target of her anger. She made a huffing sound in the back of her throat. "Well, your uncertainty is an issue of you ask me."

 _'I am a fool, undeserving of your affection but you have my heart, Lizzie! But please, forgive me!'_

"You are not less important to me than before."

Lovely. He could have as well just have said that she is a really really nice person. She'd had no idea how far his feelings for her went. The depth of them were yet a mystery to her. "Lizzie, are you still there?"

"Yeah sorry, I was just thinking about our conversation we've had the day I left. When you said that I might find new possibilities."

"Did you?" He was seriously afraid of her answer. The bottle next to him was half empty by now but his body was tense.

"Yes.", she said immediately, almost to fast for his liking. "The amount of money on my bank account allows me to go wherever it suits me and when. My time in Africa was fantastic, the people generous and kind so I decided to become an anonymous donor for building hospitals and schools. It gave me a good feeling to help people and they accepted it wholeheartily."

And finally there was passion in her voice that replaced the uncertainty and even though it was not him she was speaking of in that tone, it warmed him nonetheless. The hidden message that he refused to accept her help even if not in a financial manner, didn't pass by unnoticed. Taking up all his courage, he finally put his thoughts into words.

"I'm sorry I pushed you away, Lizzie and even more so to say this at such an unpleasant time. I've tried to come to terms with your absence but there was nothing that could fill the void you've left.", he paused, the wrinkles on his face deepening into a frown. "I didn't want to burden you with my thoughts. The aspect that you're happy is delightful to hear. It is what you deserve."

Her breath came in even puffs, the sound of it calmed his raged heartbeat but the silence, on the other hand, filled his inner turmoil further. So much to his worries were only his own. He ran his hand over the back of his head and squeezed his eyes shut. "Forgive me, Lizzie. Just forget it!"

"No.", she said. "Listen, I've had a great time the past 6 months, I've learned a lot for and about myself. I've been this naive, young woman when I met you first and it didn't change much until the day we seperated. I think it was the first time I really did what I want. There was no one who influenced my decisions. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think when we'd meet now I am worthy to be your partner. I haven't felt worthy of it when we'd been on the run, because there had been so many secrets between us. ", she swallowed audibly but he sensed that she wasn't done, yet. He took in her words and stared bluntly at the tiles on the ground. "I received your letter, Red, and I can't thank you enough for what you did for me although I've been the reason that you lost your family."

He huffed a laugh in frustration. Her voice cracked near the end, something he couldn't bear. "I would never blame you so please don't feel guilty for any of it! You are the strongest woman I can think of, Lizzie. If there's one person who's unworthy, it is me."

"This worthy/unworthy discussion is invalid so we can skip this topic entirely.", she stated flatly. "I'd rather hear your plans for the future."

"I don't really have any to be honest but I wonder if ..." He took another sip of his drink, savoring the taste on his tongue to prolong the silence, because he needed a second to overcome his weaker self. "I wonder if you'd like to meet. I've been to Europe quite often and I could show you around. There's a fascinating museum in Barcelona you must see. It is hidden in an alley and..."

"Yeah, I got it! You can tell me the rest when you're here."

"You simply have to see...", he stopped as he realized what she just said. He raised his chin as if in shock that she had agreed. "When I'm there?" Saying it more to himself than to her, he heard her laugh on the other end. The first laugh in a long time and it made his heart flutter.

"Yes. Will you stop repeating it and get over here?"

What a question. The sound of the chair legs scratching along the kitchen tiles echoed in the room as he stood up and paced to his room to prepare his departure. He found Dembe standing in front of the entryway with his hands crossed and a self satisfied smile playing across his lips. His brown duffel bag was placed next to his foot. Red reached for his parker and answered a little out of breath. "I'm on my way!"

"Oh, and Red?"

"Yes Lizzie?"

"Bring Dembe, too!"

"Of course!", he chuckled and pulled his friend with him. He already had his eternal gratitude but he needed to thank him properly for this second chance he got with Lizzie, because without Dembe, this would have taken much much longer.

* * *

 **TBC... sorry that this is so short but I didn't want to skip the phone call completely and I also didn't want to drag it out. I tried to make it realistic and interesting but I think it's not much more than a filler. I promise to make it up to you in ch9. There will be 1 or 2 more chapters.**

 **Thanks for taking your time to read this.**

 **Reviews and constructive criticism is welcomed. :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Many thanks to your faves and reviews. I'd have never thought that so many stick with this. So, here's another update.**

 **Light angst. Really! It's just a 1 or so. ;)**

 **Unbeta'ed**

 **Oh yeah, I own nada.**

* * *

She put down the phone and stared a little helplessly into her empty hotel room. Red was about to come. He came for her and all it took was a phone call. Shaking her head and smiling foolishly, she went to her dresser to look for something appropriate.

Now what was she supposed to wear? Casual or formal? What are they anyway? They had become strangers, no, they had never been really acquainted. Releasing a shuddering breath, she picked dark blue skinny jeans and a white blouse before entering the bathroom.

* * *

She was fairly excited when she waited at the hotel bar. Dembe sent her a message that they were there in 10 minutes and her excitement quickly transformed into utter fear. She had changed during the months, not only her appearance but her character changed also. Would he like her the way she was, or would he be disappointed. Was he thrilled to see her or did he feel as sick inside as she felt.

She scanned the bar for his fedora and Dembe but he was nowhere to be seen. To numb her nervousness she ordered tequila, considering late afternoon was the perfect time for a drink. She downed two shots after another, shaking off the burning sensation of the liquor that slipped down her throat. God, she was being ridiculous, behaving like a teenager before the first date and _this_ wasn't a date per se. Dembe would be with them and she was so, so happy to see him again after numerous phone calls and letters.

He was late and not just fifteen minutes late but an hour. Her stomach growled loudly as she peaked on the watch around her wrist while her other hand circled the rim of her wine glass. Under no circumstances would she call him and sound like a worried woman; on the other hand she feared something might had happened to them both. Not for the first time she flipped open her phone, only to see that Dembe hadn't contacted her.

A gentle squeeze on her shoulder forced her to turn around where she was greeted by Dembes warm smile. With her cell still in one hand, she flung her arms around the young mans shoulders, holding onto him for what seems like the most blissful seconds recently.

"It's so good to see you!", he sighted as he pulled away from her and observed her newly dyed blonde her between his fingertips. "Looks better than before if you ask me."

She nodded, smiling in thanks but her eyes were watching the person behind who was, wearing a brown three piece suit with a fitting hat. He took one step forward, taking off his hat and holding it apologetically in front of his chest. His piercing green eyes flickered over her features as if he was memorizing her anew. In the past, she found his gaze to be intimidating but this was different. He was speechless, his tongue flicking back and forth in his mouth before his adams apple bobbed as he swallowed a heavy lump in his throat. "Woah!", he exclaimed in a single breath.

Her pink cheeks turned into a even deeper shade of red at his expression so he definitely liked it. Not that she was afraid he won't but his opinion mattered after all. "Hey!"

"Lizzie.", he said, his arms flinching. He wanted to touch her, embrace her small figure, breath her in, he was a starving man, desperately craving to feel her but he couldn't unsee the uncertainty in her sparkling eyes and he would never again urge her to do something she didn't want. So he would wait, even if she was right in front of him. "You look magnificent!", he said breathlessly.

"Thank you! It was time for a change.", she shrugged as if it was nothing that one should notice but _his_ Lizzie was more beautiful than ever before or maybe it was the fact that he hadn't seen her in some time. She reminded him very much of her mother; he noticed that the day he'd met her but this wasn't Katarina Rostova. This was Elizabeth Keen, a young, independent and strong woman he fell in love with and he just had fallen for her again.

They fell into an awkward silence, neither of them sure how to proceed, just watching the other as if they were each others greatest treasures. Dembe cleared his throat quietly in an attempt to interrupt this nonverbal conversation. "Have you eaten anything, Liz?"

"No.", she said, smiling with one corner of her mouth. "I thought we could have dinner together?"

"We would like that." Dembe threw a short glance to Red who couldn't tear his eyes off her and sighted soundlessly. "Do you have any preferences?"

She pointed over her shoulder with her thumb. "There's a restaurant not far from here if that's okay with you."

He shrugged his shoulders while nodding to his friend. "Raymond?"

"Yes, Dembe?"

"Dinner?", he asked again, stretching the word to emphasize its meaning.

Red put on his hat again, straightening the brim with the tips of his fingers. "Whatever you'd like. I follow your orders, Lizzie!", he smirked.

* * *

It was hell, he was in hell as he sat during three courses and he didn't know what to say. Lizzie talked most of the time, telling stories about her travelling and he was absolutely delighted to hear everything but he had grown monosyllabic. The food was splendid, the wine perfectly riped but he was the fifth wheel at the table, listening to his best friend and Lizzie, only opening his mouth when he got asked something.

The more he watched the two of them interact, the larger the green monster within him became. Silly fool that he was, thinking the bond between Lizzie and Dembe went beyond a platonic relationship but he could swear her eyes never lit up when he spoke to her, he'd never elicited this whole- heartily lough from her either and he wondered if they had ever been on the same level.

"Red, are you alright?", she asked him worried.

"Yes."

"Really? You are as pale as a ghost."

"It has been a long day.", he replied and took a sip from his wine.

Dembe learned early on how to read Red and given the glances he gave him throughout the evening told him that his friend felt slightly uncomfortable at the moment. "I'll take my leave."

He stood up and rounded the table, bending down to hug her. "Thanks for the evening, Elizabeth!"

Hugging him back, she responded. "Do you really want to go already?"

"Yes. I'm sure you two have plenty to talk about." He nodded briefly to Red and slipped into his jacket before he left them alone.

* * *

Red stiffened even more, now that he'd had her full attention. He fidgeted with the napkin in his lap as he arranged the chaos in his brain. If this would have been Madeline Pratt or Samar sitting next to him there hadn't been a single problem but somehow was talking to Lizzie a real challenge and they still had a full bottle of wine on the table.

There were, yet again, looking at each other as they did before in the hotel bar, their eyes filled with hope, expectation but also with sadness and grief. All he ever wanted since the day they'd met was that Lizzie was happy and safe, and in his wildest imaginations he wanted a place in her life. He didn't care what his role would have been back then; at least that was what he told himself although he knew it was a terrible lie. He wanted to be her partner in crime, her safe heaven, the man she would rely on, the man in whose arms she'd fall asleep and the worst aspect was that he could have had it if he wouldn't have sent her away.

"You know, it's not easy for me either.", she interrupted his inner monolouge.

He blinked twice before he formed a response in his head but he couldn't find his voice so instead of responding he just clenched his jaw and nodded once.

"You look exhausted."

"I've had rough 6 months.", he said hoarsely and laced his fingers on the table. "Not just due to the fact that I've been hunting down the director but also ... even more because of you."

Leaning forward, she tilted her head, her blonde strands falling onto the table cloth while doing so. "But you send me away!"

"I know...", he breathed. "I knew what I was going to do but I wasn't prepared for the pain it would cause. I've missed you, Lizzie."

She worried her bottom lip with her teeth. She could relate to his feelings but were they strong enough to sustain more bumps in the road or would the next situation destroy them once and for all? "I'm glad you called, Red. I was so worried about you and Dembe. To be honest with you, I was worried about you two all the time, and I was and still am furious with you."

Her words sent a sting of pain through his veins, causing tiny beads of sweat to arise on his forehead. He was deeply ashamed for his actions. Whenever he tried to do something good, he did the exact opposite. It was as if they simply weren't meant to be. Except it wasn't simple.

Never with them.

"I've missed you, too but do you have any idea how helpless I felt? If it wasn't for Dembe, I'd have gotten crazy."

"I'm sorry!", he muttered. "If I could take it all back, I would but I can't. It happened and I cannot deal with any of it." He released a bitter chuckle. "And if you knew in what kind of person I turned into, you wouldn't even sit at the same table with me."

Lizzie narrowed her eyes questioningly, her jaw slackening before pressing her lips together.

"I've convinced myself of being a monster a decade ago. I've hurt, tortured and killed, and even if they have been far from innocent doesn't make it better. I hated myself for a long time but then you came...", he said in gravelly voice and smiled fondly at the memory of her descending the stairs. Thank god he was shackled to the chair, otherwise he'd have started fidgeting. Opening his eyes again, he found her looking at him in sympathy. "And I could do something good; I'd had the chance to make something right but I never thought you would come to care about me. It caught me off guard and you've already started a fire inside me.", he paused and swallowed audibly. "I tried so hard not to get burned but when it comes to you, I seem to fail every time."

Turning away from him, she breathed in deeply through her nose before breathing out through her mouth but the tears behind her eyelids were close to spill over her cheeks. This was not the reaction he had hoped for and the need to comfort her was nearly too much for him to bear.

Seeing Lizzie cry was one thing but he hated it even more when he was the purpose of her sadness.

Well, Dembe made her laugh; he made her miserable.

His palm reached out to cover her hand but she drew away before any contact could be made. Instead his fingers touched the edge of the table, his irises raising as he watched her standing up.

"Sorry Red but I - I can't do this now!"

He didn't speak, he didn't follow her either but accepted her wish and as soon as she was out of sight, he poured a glass of wine. This was familial territory. He was alone with a full bottle of alcohol.

And worst of all; he felt lonely.

Tbc...


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm sorry for the long wait but here's the penultimate chapter of this FF. Thanks a lot for sticking with it, your patience and your reviews.**

 **I own nothing.**

 **Unbeta'ed**

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This evening he drank himself into oblivion. It was immature and wrong but Lizzies reaction shook his insecurities awake. He was afraid that she'd be gone by tomorrow; that she'd leave him without a goodbye. The waiter was polite enough to call him a cab but he didn't go to his safe house.

He needed to see her.

He loosened his tie during the first bottle of wine and opened the first few buttons on his shirt after he switched to single malt. Now he stood in front of her hotel room, his hand clutching the wall while he bumped his fist against her door.

"Lizzie!", he yelled. "Elizabeth! Lemme in!" His forehead hit the wood with a loud 'thud'. God, he felt dizzy and tired and he could barely hold himself up.

When Lizzie finally and after minutes opened the door, a devastated and also very drunk Raymond Reddington fell into her arms.

"Wha- ugh!" She wrinkled her nose as the scent of scotch flared her nostrils. She had seen him drunk before but he was completely wasted and obviously not able to walk alone so she put an arm around his shoulder to get him inside. "I hope there's a reason for your visit?"

"Forgot the address.", he muttered.

"Excuse me?"

"I dunno the address of the house!", he said a little louder and leaned back against the cushions after Lizzie had helped him sit down on the couch.

"But you happen to know my hotel room number?", she asked sarcastically while pouring a glass of water at the cabinet.

"Yeah!", he slurred and sighted. "I always know where you are."

"You do realize that this is creepy as hell, right?"

His heartbeat speed up haphazardly. Creepy! This was her take in regards to his protectiveness. Even in his state she could wound him badly with so little effort.

Lizzie placed the water in his hand before he took a large sip. "I just wanna make you happy."

"Well, funny. All you manage is the opposite."

"Are you angry with me?", he asked, his reddened eyes looking up.

"What do you think?" She sat down in an armchair opposite from him, running her hand over her forehead in exhaustion. She was angry but the empathy she felt for him slowly took over and she was sure that he didn't want her to feel any of these.

"U wanna know how I feel?", he asked quietly and more to himself. He'd told her numerous times what she meant to him, that she was his ray of light, he was completely devoted to her. Why couldn't she understand?

"You said earlier, I wouldn't sit at the same table, if I knew what you did."

"Yeah...", he said, sighting and slumping down further. He'd never felt more disarmed in front of a person. "There's so much blood on my hands, so much wreckage left behind..."

"I know, Red. I know it.

"I wouldn't have called you if it weren't for Dembe. There have been women, women I've had sex with in the past 6 months." She arched her eyebrows but refused to say anything at all because she had no right to do so although she hated that another woman laid her eyes on him. She was naturally jealous because she was suffering from self doubts. Red's lover were sophisticated, smart and successful but she was just ordinary. She was boring.

Deep down she expected him to react that way. He was emotionally crippled and not used to cope with his feelings in another way. "I'm glad you called. Really glad you did but we shouldn't have this conversation when you're in such a state."

"Nonsense!", he exclaimed, pushing himself up a bit to get a better look at her in the dimly lit room. "I'm an idiot for believing that we could start over. You deserve so much more than an old man. I can't give you safety, I'm too old for having children. I told myself that I'm not worthy of your adoration but I can't shake off the thought of holding you until you fall asleep or kissing you in the morning. I wonder how you feel, how you taste, what you like most. I wanna know your deepest secrets, your dreams and I want to fulfill them all. I want to make you the happiest woman on this planet but I can't present you a future. The only thing I could offer you is myself and that's not good enough."

The words came out in a rush and slurred but he meant what he said. His eyes were filled with unshed tears as he finished talking, the lines beneath showed how worn out he was but he was also honest with her, giving her an inside view into his soul and she really appreciated the openness even when drunk.

She kneeled down in front of him, taking hold of his hands and stroking over his knuckles in a reassuring manner. "I understand how you feel but don't talk of yourself as if you're unworthy of affection. You are deserving of this!", she said with impact, her palms cupping his cheeks. He looked back at her through heavy lidded eyes and she wasn't sure if he'd understand what she was about to say. "I need you to listen to me!"

Frowning slightly, he nodded and leaned into her touch. "Okay."

"You are this irresistible, charming man who is always full of confidence; so much that it borders on arrogance and this is the person I fell in love with. I love you Red; more than you could imagine but there is something inside me that won't leave me alone. This feeling grew when I thought of our time together and it took over when I saw you today." She trailed off and swallowed. "You gave me so much, a future, a perfect life and you gave me Sam. I've never thanked you for that. I was so ungrateful and treated you badly but you never stopped loving me. You supported me, you've had my back all the time. You forgave me for lying to you about Tom, you've gotten me out of prison so if there's a person who is undeserving of your love, then it is me."

He shook his head slowly from side to side, despair written all over his features. If there was one woman who could declare her love and then reject a person, it would be Elizabeth Keen but he had sworn not to give up on her. He did that once and as it played out this was the greatest mistake in his life.

As her fingers brushed away the moisture on his cheeks, he realized he was crying. Crying for his doings, for her pain, for him and for her. He was crying for the chance he hadn't embraced and given her expression of equal devastation, he caught her off guard with his outburst. Turning his head, he squeezed his eyes shut and let out a quivering breath.

One might say he was only interested in sex and physical satisfaction but his feelings were pure and ran deeper as ocean water. Lizzie was the ground beneath his feet, his air, she kept him alive. Love is such a ridiculous idea but he was a hostage in her world and she was his abductor. Well, he put that thought aside as one of the weirdest he'd ever had.

He reached out for her then, his large palm sliding around and cradled her neck, pulling her face closer to his lips.

"Red. This is not right.", she said quietly and let her thumbs slide softly over his sideburns. The heavy scent of scotch and wine filled the space left between them, his eyes glassy but intensely on her.

"Just...", he paused and pressed his lips together, his bottom lip quivering in despair. "One kiss. Please Lizzie. I know I've made mistakes... terrible ones and there are things I regret but believe me that loving you isn't one of them. It's the best thing that happened to me."

She held her breath and felt a silent tear making its way down her face. She'd longed for those words. For a declaration of sorts and she understood how he felt, because she felt the same and wanted to phrase her feelings but she couldn't. She was never good at that. She hadn't told Nick that she loved him, although she thought she did. She said these three words to her ex husband but Red made her feel things that were indescribable. His presence alone made her dizzy, his touch was electric and he kissed with a passion she hadn't experienced in her life. She didn't love Nick, nor did she love Tom.

But she loved Red.

Ever so slowly she pressed her lips to his. Just a little touch that made her insides turn and yearn for more. Red was addictive. She knew that before but the moment their lips met, she realized how starved she'd been. They stayed in this position without breaking their kiss. It wasn't anything compared to the last time, the first time. There was no rush and it wasn't an ending. This time it was a beginning of their journey. A journey between a man and a woman in love with each other.

His palm found her cheek, keeping her close to him while his other pulled her up and onto his lap. She crossed her ankles behind the small of his back as he attempted to part her lips with the tip of of his tongue. As drunk as he was, he took the lead, controlling every movement of hers which, in turn, was driving her mad. Slowly, she sunk down, grinding against his hardness and making him hiss into her mouth.

But what if he'd regret it in the morning or worse, he wouldn't remember any of it?

Pulling away, she straightened her clothes and released a shaky breath. Her hands kneaded his shoulder blades and she waved a apologetic smile at him. "You need to rest."

"I need you!" As soon as his words left his mouth he leaned forwards in order to catch her lips in another kiss but Lizzie pushed him back into the couch.

"Not like that. If you were sober, I wouldn't have a problem with any of that but we have to talk about us and I'm not willing to do this now."

Red tried to get up on his feet but fell quickly back on the furniture. She'd never seen him like this, so weak and vulnerable. It was hurting her. "I give Dembe a call. You can stay the night."

He was mumbling some incoherent words as she dialed her friend and informed him that Red was with her. She gave him a blanket and a pillow for the night. He slipped out of his shoes and unbuttoned his dress shirt.

"Let me help you.", she said quietly as she saw that he struggled with the buttons, flicking the remaining ones open, her eyes focused on the task at hand.

"You're beautiful."

"Red. Not now." She took off his shirt, revealing his strong biceps in the process and he watched her intensely. Her palms pressed on his chest, pushing him down. His breath came in even puffs, his head tilted as he regarded her with the blanket covering him from toes to his chin. "Why not? I should have told you this a long time ago but I was a coward."

She closed her eyes and shook her head, her lips forming a firm thin line. He already had her but she wouldn't tell him this. He needed to tell her the same things tomorrow again. "Tomorrow. We'll talk tomorrow!"

She turned, walking out with her arms crossed, taking a deep breath once she was seated on her bed. He was with her. He was fine. And most of all, he was a free man but of all the things he could have had, he wanted her.

TBC...


	11. Chapter 11

**I was overwhelmed by your reviews to the last chapter. Thank you so much for sticking with this little fic. It means the a lot!**

 **Here's the final chapter and I really hope you like it. I might write a sequel if you want to so if you're interested let me know. :)**

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

It felt like a hammer was pounding in his head. He barely dared open his eyes, knowing very well how painful it'd be for him. He turned onto his back, trying to put the pieces of the previous night together in his fuzzy mind. He shared dinner with Dembe and Lizzie, remembered his ridiculous jealousy that was directed towards his friend and he remembered how he couldn't tear his eyes away from her beautiful face until -

Until she told him she couldn't do this right now.

His throat was dry and the coating on his tongue left a disgusting taste in his mouth. He needed a toothbrush and mouth wash but this wasn't his house and this wasn't his bed either. Lifting the blanket, he sat up and groaned as a sharp pain shot through his spine. He ran a tired palm over his face, stopping halfway when Lizzie appeared from another room. Then, it dawned on him.

He made a complete fool of himself. He shouldn't have come here and most importantly, he should have never revealed his feelings in front of her. This wasn't meant for her ears to hear. His old, tired heart couldn't compete with her youth and eagerness. He wasn't a man that would hide in the nearest corner but he preferred this fainthearted option above any other, especially in his current attire. His undershirt was wrinkled and untugged, his pants were stained with a substance he couldn't even identify and he was barefeet.

Where were his socks? His shoes? His goddamn hat?!

She silently handed him two pills and a glass of water that he gladly accepted before he uncomfortably shifted to the end of the couch, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of his neck. Her gaze bored holes him, making him feel even more vulnerable and he wished she would just stop looking at him.

"How are you feeling?", she asked softly, taking back his empty glass.

He shrugged and glanced absently at his toes. "Fine, I've had a hangover before."

"Yeah, and you forgot the address of your house as well and wandered off to the hotel room of a woman."

He huffed a laugh, shaking his head at the absurdity. Lizzie wasn't just 'a woman', she was ' _the woman_ '. After all that he did, she still failed to really see how deeply he loved her. Well, she called his knowledge of her whereabouts 'creepy' so it shouldn't surprise him.

"Yes, I can recall the events last night."

"Everything?"

"Parts of it. My memory is fairly blurry to what has happened after I stumbled in here.", he admitted a little embarrassed and curled his toes into the plush carpet. He avoided looking at her, the sound of her hard voice was enough for him to judge about how she felt about his late visit.

"What do you remember?"

"Lizzie. Whatever I've said and did, I must tell you how sorry I am for disrespecting your desire to leave you alone. I promise it won't happen again.", he sighted, his face raddled in exhaustion.

"I don't want to hear an apology, I want to hear what you remember!"

"Don't make me do this, Lizzie!", he pleaded.

"Why? Because you didn't mean it?"

He buried his face in his hands, remembering how he sacked down on this sofa and told her that he loved her. God, he put her under pressure only because his emotions got the best of him but there was something else in his mind that he couldn't made out. She rejected him and told him he could stay on the couch but he couldn't fill the gap in between. "Did I offend you last night?", he mumbled.

"What?"

"Did I attack you?", he asked a little louder.

Soon after, he felt her hand close around his wrist as she placed a towel over his shoulder. "Take a shower, Red; rearrange the chaos in your head. There's breakfast for you if you're hungry." She squeezed his shoulder and added softly, "You haven't attacked or offended me. Think harder!"

Funny, he couldn't think straight and he tried, but before he had the chance to tell her, she retreated from the room and he heard her discussing her business on the phone. He padded to the bathroom, smiling at how Lizzie handled her new life. Now matter how much he wanted to be an active participant in her future, his past would haunt them and eventually tear them apart.

It was only a matter of time.

* * *

The hot spray of the shower released some of the tension in his muscles and helped him bringing back the missing parts in his brain. She said she loved him, he told her that he was in love with her and he begged her to kiss him. He was Raymond Reddington. He didn't beg, specifically not Elizabeth Keen. He swore he'd never beg for her forgiveness or love. He'd accept everything she offered him but he didn't consider her love a possibility.

Wrapping a towel around his waist, he looked at his reflection in the mirror, wondering how she could choose him over anybody else. He was bald and the rest of his hair was gray, the dark wrinkles under his eyes only emphasized his age and his body was filled with scars, knife and bullet wounds. Sometimes he refused to look into the mirror if it wasn't necessary.

He was hideous.

* * *

After drying himself off, he stepped back in the living area and poured himself a cup of tea, not noticing that he was being watched from the master bedroom. He grabbed a bowl of fruit salad and dug in. He already felt better, his headaches were almost gone but the shame within him wasn't.

"Feeling better?", came her voice from behind, her tone hinting a smile he could not see with his back to her.

Deciding that it was time to face his demons, he put down the bowl and turned around, swallowing thickly as he saw her standing before him in her beige nightgown that was only covered with her black silk robe, showing off her slender legs.

This was heaven and hell combined.

"Slightly.", he responded, chewing his lips as he constructed his next move. Letting out a weary breath, he sighted. "You said you're in love with me."

"I did.", she nodded, folding her arms with a smile.

"You shouldn't be."

"But I am and there's nothing you could possibly do to change that."

Red drew in a deep breath through his nose before releasing it in a tired puff of air. "I'm not worthy of your affection, Elizabeth!"

"I liked you better when you were drunk. There are certainly another ways to express yourself but, quite frankly, I've finally had the chance to see you exposed. I know this must be difficult for you to understand but I appreciate that you came by."

"I'm a criminal, I destroyed your life."

"Stop it!", she snapped, approaching him and for a mere second he was afraid that her frustration with him took over and she'd punch him but the slap didn't come. Instead she gripped his bare upper arms and squeezed his biceps, her closeness forcing him to close his eyes again. "You're a frustrating idiot. Stop pushing me away and let us just be happy for as long as we can. You said that you love me, Red. Do you remember?"

"Ye - Yeah." He kept his eyes closed, absorbing the feel of her breath near his face and her sweet scent invading his nostrils. He would never tire of her closeness. Actually, he lived for these moments.

"Look at me!", she demanded softly, her fingerpads travelling upwards to his neck where she laced entwined her hands. His eyes fluttered open, and he was drowning in the beauty of hers even though her eyes were filled with tears.

"Sweetheart, don't cry! Please, don't cry.", he repeated all over, collecting her in his arms. He hated seeing her cry, even more so when he was the reason for her misery.

"It's enough.", she whispered and wound her arms around his middle, her head safely tucked under his chin while he rocked them slowly from side to side and let his fingers slide through her hair. If only he could, he would provide her with everything she needed.

"What is?"

She grasped his shirt and pulled him fully into her personal space, breathing him in as if it was for the last time. "You, Red!", she admitted as silent tears streamed down her face. "I'll try to be a worthy partner and you have to stop being so damn self destructive. We deserve this, you and I."

"Shh, it's okay."

"It's not okay until you understand what I'm saying."

"I don't think I can follow.", he replied helplessly, wiping away the tears from her cheeks.

"You said all you have to offer is yourself and that's all I need."

His Lizzie! He didn't know what to say, nor what to do. She needed him, she chose him. Him. How was he supposed to react? Loosening his grip a bit and putting just enough distance between them, he framed her face with his palms and swallowed against the dryness in his throat. This very moment was a fantasy of his, a dream he never meant to make the reality but he would give her anything.

Until he would stop breathing. If it shattered him into a million pieces, then so be it.

"Tell me that you mean it!"

"I mean it!", he said. "Of course I mean it. God, Lizzie, I love you!", he breathed before kissing her fiercely. Of all the people who tried to break him, she succeeded with that. She captured his heart in an instant.

All she needed was a pen.

He steadied her as she stood on tiptoes to get a better access. Her taste was heavenly if it wasn't for her tears which dropped onto her upper lip but he kissed them away. He wanted to cleanse her from the pain and making her understand that she was all he ever wanted and needed. He was living solely for her, and for the first time in over two decades, he had hopes for a future.

Ever so slowly their loving kiss lead into little pecks as the urge to breath became too much, forcing them to pull away but they were having none of that. Her hands rested on his shoulder blades while his moved to her waist, keeping her as close as possible.

"I love you too, Red.", she confessed as more tears threatened to fall. "Happy tears!", she clarified, smiling.

"No more tears today and in the future!" He kissed first her right cheek before doing the same with the other one until her sobs turned into a laugh.

He loved to be the recipient of this sound.

"We make it work, Lizzie. I promise!"

"We make a great team." , she countered with a wink.

He chuckled and lifted her up into his arms. "Damn right, we do."

The journey they were on was far from over. It was the start of something new, something unique and it would be worth it. She brought back a man he had abandoned from his life but he couldn't resist her, no matter how hard he tried, and the truth was he didn't want to fight it anymore.

* * *

 _"I wonder, if a ray of light would make it into the cave, would I be able to see it, feel it, would I gravitate to its warmth and if I did, would I become less hideous?"_

fin.


End file.
